Job Posting: Assistant Stapler

Company:

(Removed by The Black Stapler, who hasn't cashed her severance check yet.)

Company Description:

For more than 50 years, The Company has been dutifully serving customers while making little attempt to better their product or promote the ongoing value of their service. While customer attrition is frequent and no longer unexpected, minimal and ineffective efforts are made to market the company's services to new target groups. In recent years, The Company's achievements can best be described as adding nails to the coffin it will eventually inhabit after a long and inevitable decline. Coffin construction is completed on an erratic schedule but is occasionally accelerated due to lack of strong leadership, employee infighting, allowing politics rather than policies to govern company operations, and quietly stifling any employee with new and innovative ideas.

Primary Job Responsibilities:
(Removed by Black Stapler, it was just the usual boring bullet points that seem to tell everything but actually reveal nothing about what the job is actually like.)

Requirements:
(Note from Black Stapler: this is where the misinformation gets really thick, and Black Stapler can't help herself from adding editoral comments, which are noted in italics.)
· Extensive knowledge of Microsoft Office Suite.
(Fails to specify that the version used is Office 2000, which is inefficient and outdated. Software updates are not in the budget.)
· Self starter who can work independently under pressure.
(Really, all one needs is the ability to look busy during frequent and extended periods of little work.)
· Ability to see a project through from start to finish.
(Black Stapler supposes it is possible to finish a project at The Company, but notes that most projects during her tenure were lost in the black hole of managment dysfunction and never actually started... which means finishing them was both unncessary and logically impossible.)
· Ability to think logically in fast paced environment.
(Black Stapler notes that the only possible way The Company could be considered a fast-paced environment is in comparison with the United States Congress.)
· Team player.
(Doesn't everybody know this is HR-speak for "Your ideas will be blatently ignored and later presented by your boss as their own"? If not, you know now.)

To apply, please submit your resume and salary requirements to The Company

Copyright 2008 Stapler Tales